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Vladimir Norkoff
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Posted - 2006.09.13 18:00:00 -
[1]
So I had just refitted a new tax collection ship after an unfortunate experience scouting out poorly protected POSs (found one that was not poorly protected ).. Decided to go with a Merlin over the Condor this time; a bit bigger and slower, but can fit more scanning equipment which is always handy in my line of work.. When redistributing assets you can find things like Scorps armed with heavy missiles and no ECM guarding a miners, and back up Ravens with only 3 heavy launchers as weapons so it's a super handy little tool for identifying paper tigers..
Well started running the Oimmo belts with the new Merlin to see what I could collect and was having very little luck until I came across IV-2 with this barge raping and pillaging the environment as those exploitative miners are wont to do.. Checked my log and didn't see his name listed as having already paid his mining tax.. Of course that was fairly easy to determine since nobody has EVER voluntarily paid their taxes and there is not a single name in my tax log.. So a quick scan shows basic Strip Miners, no weapons, and quartet of Hammerheads which are somehow still managing to buzz around despite all being deep into armor and some halfway thru structure.. Easy pickings..
Load up the Sabretooths for the drones, zip over and check the can.. He's not doing too bad at all!! Good work you productive little carebear.. Flip the can, call in hauler, and jet out to 40km on microwarp waiting for the Hammerheads to strike.. Nothing.. AFK? Macrominer? Nope, there he goes finally locking me up.. And still nothing.. Corpmates in hauler and assault frig arrive, tractor and collect the taxes, and hauler is off to station.. Well that was easy.. Well nothing to do I guess but duel with the assault frig testing tank.. Ow! Ok that's enuff dueling..
Oh hey, what's this?! A Thorax just came in.. It pauses a moment, turns and heads towards the miner.. Oh, he's not going to do it!!.. He does. Flips the can and renames it.. Poor miner.. How can people oppress each other so? Cruely stealing the hard earned profits of others.. It's vile I tell you, utterly vile!.. Thorax heads out at which point I hatch a cunning plan.. Flip the Thorax can, name it the same, give the miner a knowing wink, and jump to station.. Our hauler pilot switchs to a Punisher, and we wait for a few minutes..
Jump back to belt and there's the Thorax again instead of the expected hauler.. Err, odd.. But it's flashing red so it's all good I guess.. He's got aggro on me so I hang back while the Punisher sneaks up on him.. Punisher is in range, I hit the microwarp, charge the Thorax and launch the Bloodclaws.. Punisher lights him up, scrams him, game on!.. Wait for the drones.. Wait for the drones.. Thorax is into armor.. Still waiting.. Our assault frig warps in.. Where the hell are the Thorax's drones?! Is this guy retarded or just French?.. Thorax into hull.. Pop goes the Thorax.. Quick lock, warning from Concord blah blah, pod is scrammed.. Mates loot the can, utter crap.. Time for some chatting, let's try a 5 million ransom.. Not like we can actually pod him without getting Concorded, but maybe he doesn't know that.. After a bit of polite chatting, strongarm tactics, and outright threats the wallet starts flashing.. Woohoo! 5 million richer.. Divy up the funds and recap on our good deed of defending the poor miner..
Speaking of the miner, where is he?.. Oh right down there still mining away... For the last 30 minutes.. Should we?.. Well asset redistribution is our job, and we would be negligent in our duties if we didn't.. Guess it's tax time again.. Zip on down, flip the can, re-flip the Thorax's flipped can into that.. Umm... Not enuff space? Sweet!.. Call in the hauler.. Miner gathers his drones and warps off for some bizarre reason (miners are so weird).. All told, about 10-15 million haul for just putzing about one belt minding our own business and defending the weak and helpless..
God I love my job.
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Arii Smith
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Posted - 2006.09.13 18:38:00 -
[2]
Hehe I lolled at "Of course that was fairly easy to determine since nobody has EVER voluntarily paid their taxes and there is not a single name in my tax log"
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Devilish Ledoux
Caldari Caldari Provisions
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Posted - 2006.09.13 21:15:00 -
[3]
Originally by: Arii Smith Hehe I lolled at "Of course that was fairly easy to determine since nobody has EVER voluntarily paid their taxes and there is not a single name in my tax log"
As did I.
Good times. Good times.
The Billionaire Buccaneer (A Blog for the Bored) |
murder one
Gallente CRICE Corporation Lotka Volterra
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Posted - 2006.09.13 22:44:00 -
[4]
To the OP: glad to find a kindred spirit ;) Keep up the good work (and writing).
Because I said so...
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Jamikest
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Posted - 2006.09.13 23:21:00 -
[5]
Same scene that has run its course a thousand times in Eve. However, you sir, know how to tell a good story. Great read, look forward to more stories of your tax collecting endeavers!
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Vladimir Norkoff
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Posted - 2006.09.13 23:25:00 -
[6]
Thanks murder one! That's no small praise coming from you.. Your Badger exploits are an inspiration to all of us!
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Micia
Minmatar N.A.S.A. Cobra Alliance
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Posted - 2006.09.13 23:30:00 -
[7]
Nicely written. _______
Originally by: Devian 666 I use my mining disruptor, mining nos, mining hvy launchers and mining valks/acolytes on them.
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Marlenus
Caldari Ironfleet Towing And Salvage
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Posted - 2006.09.14 02:10:00 -
[8]
Yay! There's nothing I like better than a good evening's salvage. It's amazing the stuff you find floating abandoned in the belts....
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Ghan Tylous
Caldari Infinite Dreams Inc Kimotoro Directive
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Posted - 2006.09.14 06:09:00 -
[9]
Meh, you call that tax collecting?
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Celeste Storm
Gallente Elite United Corp Antigo Dominion
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Posted - 2006.09.14 08:48:00 -
[10]
You scramed the pod of the rax pilot and didnt aggroed concord? o.O
whiners make m3 s!ck | Do you like farmers?
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Chingas
Caldari Macrominer Waste Management
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Posted - 2006.09.14 09:08:00 -
[11]
Good story! Keep up the good work!
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FireFoxx80
Caldari E X O D U S Imperial Republic Of the North
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Posted - 2006.09.14 12:22:00 -
[12]
Forgive my lack of knowledge of can thievery...
"can flipping" ?
What I do the rest of the time - Vote for a Jita bypass! |
Silane Daktor
Gelidity
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Posted - 2006.09.14 13:19:00 -
[13]
Originally by: FireFoxx80 Forgive my lack of knowledge of can thievery...
"can flipping" ?
Jet your own can next to theirs, drag out their contents, dump it in yours. Hope they nick it back, and hey presto, blinky red
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FireFoxx80
Caldari E X O D U S Imperial Republic Of the North
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Posted - 2006.09.14 14:46:00 -
[14]
Originally by: Silane Daktor
Originally by: FireFoxx80 Forgive my lack of knowledge of can thievery...
"can flipping" ?
Jet your own can next to theirs, drag out their contents, dump it in yours. Hope they nick it back, and hey presto, blinky red
But aren't you flagged to them first? I am assuming you are, but you hope they nick it back, thus allowing a free for all?
What I do the rest of the time - Vote for a Jita bypass! |
Vladimir Norkoff
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Posted - 2006.09.14 15:42:00 -
[15]
Quote: You scramed the pod of the rax pilot and didnt aggroed concord? o.O
You are correct sir.. Scrammed and no Concord response, and it was in Oimmo a 0.5 system..
Quote: But aren't you flagged to them first? I am assuming you are, but you hope they nick it back, thus allowing a free for all?
You are flagged to them, yes.. If they do nick it back then it incites a glorious free-for-all of helpless combat ship versus fully fitted PvP miner, which is never a pretty sight and we try to avoid at all costs let me assure you.. Otherwise the hauler arrives and collects the taxes to be redistributed to the poor and needy (we are humanitarians after all)..
I will probably do continuing tales of Asset Redistrbution.. However we are currently in the process of relocating our offices to investigate some cases of flagrant tax evasion in other regions, so it may be a day or two..
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Artthana
Minmatar
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Posted - 2006.09.14 17:43:00 -
[16]
Don't must miners use secure cans.
Loved your tale by the way.
I too want to be a pira.... I mean a tax collector.
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Vladimir Norkoff
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Posted - 2006.09.14 17:56:00 -
[17]
Amazingly most do not, and those that do rarely anchor them while mining which is even funnier..
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Christopher Dalran
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Posted - 2006.09.14 22:02:00 -
[18]
Try using scan probes, sometimes miners will maroon a combat ship in the middle of nowhere thinking it is safe and leave it there to use to remove rats and what not. Its alwayse grand to fly up and steal their loot in their own ship.
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Mintless
AYDS
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Posted - 2006.09.14 22:14:00 -
[19]
sounds fun (since there are actually targets :[) but my sec is too low to go doing that :( ---- .
.
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Kor'Goth
Amarr Crimson Knights Trade Federation
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Posted - 2006.09.15 07:15:00 -
[20]
Rofl Vlad, didn't know you posted about our exploits here, (I'm the AF pilot, was kind of upset they popped him before i got a piece but that's life).
Now for my story.. Guess you didn't know threads could be hijacked too did you?
So recently I moved out of that system, (I love to dabble in PvP when the cattle, I mean miners' output is low) and down into the Tash-Murkon region. First thing to notice is the huge skill difference. Where people would be flying HACs and BS fleets up north, in the south its just noob "Anti-pirates". So where was I? Ahh yes, bored in the peaceful lands of Tash-Murkon. So I like to check out the few belts in the .5 system I call home for my daily tax collection and I stumble upon a Covetor with a nice little group of 3 Harvester drones. Yes, THE actual 15m Harvester drones. So I'm out in my Taxi (Executioner with a named MWD) and I decide I wanna orbit him. So I head towards him at full bore only to watch him warp out in fear, (must be the -1.9 sec rating and that nasty 5k bounty that some corpmate put on me as a joke). So here I am alone with 30+ million dollars in drones so what do I do? Scoop them you say? Of course! But not before checking the info of their unfortunate previous owner. 8/14/06, so how did you afford a Covetor with a full set of stripminers and Harvesters? Ebay? So I went back to my station and waited for him to return. Return he did, in his Megathron fulled decked out with mining lasers!!!1!lone! (Definately knew he was an Ebay at this point) and continued with my tax collection, feeling that I had not only filled my pocket, but that I had taught him an important lession. We know Ebayers, we can smell your newbness 400AUs away in your ravens and megathrons. No amount of running can save your cans.
Kernite, your sweet mexallon will always bring me joy. Especially when I didn't spend hours mining you.
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Vladimir Norkoff
Crimson Knights Trade Federation Thundering Mantis
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Posted - 2006.09.16 19:29:00 -
[21]
Well finally got the third tax collection ship down to the new offices in Amarr space.. Long bloody run from Oimmo let me tell you.. Picked up another shuttle and decided to check the belts before heading back.. And of course, there it was... a Covetor with a swarm of Vespas around it.. Quick tax log check? Nothing. As I suspected.. Head to the can to confirm the illegal mining.. Suspect threatens in local: "Don't even think about it!".. Threats don't work against Asset Redistribution agents dear boy.. Covetor warps out leaving the Vespas behind.. Suspicious.. Open the can, there's the incriminating evidence! Kernite! (cha-ching!)..
Scoop a Vespa as evidence and head back to station.. There's the Covetor wheezing it's way to dock (criminal miners are too stupid to make instas).. Dock and switch ships.. The Moa is still warm from the trip down, so that's the choice.. Corpmates mock the Moa and claim it looks like a "Headless Rubber Chicken" (and they are right), but it is an excellent tax enforcement ship.. Undock. No Covetor.. Probably hiding.. Warp to belt and start scooping the other Vespas..
Surprise surprise a Vexor warps in.. It's the suspect returning to the scene of the crime (as they always do).. Lock the criminal as a warning to keep in line, and flip the can.. Vexor locks back and opens fire.. The gall! Attacking a tax enforcement agent!.. Little does he know that this is a vampiric headless rubber chicken.. Sink in the Nos, scram, and launch the drones.. Vexor launches drones as well... Mediums... Lots of em... I hate Gallentes.. Switch target to drones and start picking them off.. Vexor falls silent with cap gone, but the Vespas are slowly chewing thru shields (really, who uses explosive against shields? Idiot)..
One vespa gone. Two. Vexor keeps sending out more.. Did I mention I hate Gallente ships?.. Shields gone. Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay that's why they use explosive.. Kick in the shield booster and it's all good.. That's odd, vespas stopped shooting.. Err.. Didn't I have 3 drones out?.. Ahh, clever monkey.. Too late though, last of the vespas are gone a few moments later.. Switch targets back to the criminal's idle spacehulk.. Crank-start the Civvy Gatling Gun (4tw!), make sure scram and Nos are still on, go pour myself another tequila..
Mmmm... What's this?.. A convo from the criminal? Very well.. Long stream of invective and vulgar insults that defy the use of punctuation.. Impressive.. Sit back, take another sip, and watch as the civy gun chews thru armor... Slowly... Criminal claims he is going to get a bigger ship to come back and kick my posterior (in a far more vulgar manner though).. I politely agree, though am somewhat curious how he intends to go about evading his punishment as he is scrammed quite thouroughly.. Criminal apparently changes his mind and does not leave after all..
Gatling gun has only started to hit structure.. This may take awhile.. Offer a 10 million fine in place of the obligatory ship destruction.. Criminal counter offers with bribe: "I won't have my corp come hunt you down" .. The nerve of criminals these days!.. Insulting, audacious, and I fail to see how a fleet of equally incompetent Vexor pilots would be much of an incentive for me.. I decline the gracious offer and continue to watch the gatling gun nibble away..
The last few shreds of hull left.. Plead with the criminal to see reason and accept his guilt of tax evasion.. Adamantly refuses.. A diehard criminal to the very end.. *sigh* It's the part of my job I dislike, seeing good people gone astray and unrepentent.. Of course watching the ship pop puts a smile on my face and makes everything better.. Allow the pod to go with a baleful eye and stern warning.. Impound the remains of the ship, flip the remaining cans (he was very productive!), and call in the haulers from a nearby system..
Take another drink, and sit back satisfied that once again, justice has been served..
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Tyrrax Thorrk
Amarr Umbra Congregatio Interstellar Alcohol Conglomerate
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Posted - 2006.09.16 19:40:00 -
[22]
Well told write more !
btw vespa do kinetic
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Vladimir Norkoff
Crimson Knights Trade Federation Thundering Mantis
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Posted - 2006.09.16 21:36:00 -
[23]
Vespas, valkyries, whatever... They both start with a "V".. Just had vespas on the mind since those were the ones I picked up.. Didn't get to pick up the valkyries since they got reduced to scrap, and only had the opportunity to do a quick info check while fighting..
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